If you want to know how to have a productive fight without yelling and screaming, you need to read this! Some of you might be wondering, why isn’t yelling productive? The simple answer to this question that shouting at each other and not hearing what the other person is saying is a good way to get your feelings out in the open, but it won’t solve any problems. One thing leads to another and then someone ends up saying something they regret. Find a way to argue productively.

One thing leads to another and then someone ends up saying something they regret. Even when you’re mad, hurting your partner’s feelings isn’t necessary. Therefore, I’m going to make a suggestion. Find a way to argue productively. Here’s what you can AFTER you’re done yelling… Listen to your partner’s feelings by looking them in the eyes and not thinking about your response at all. Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say when it’s your turn to talk, pay close attention.

After your partner is done talking, rephrase what they said in your own words and say, “just to make sure I heard you correctly, you’re saying that you’re feeling frustrated because _____. Is that correct?” If they say “no, that’s not what I mean”, ask them to say it again, and try rephrasing it again. If they say “yes” you heard them correctly, you can ask questions like, “what can I do differently to help support you, communicate better, or do that differently next time?”

Allow them to answer, and then rephrase their answer ,and ask again if you’ve heard them correctly. After you go back and forth, you can say that you’re going to make an make an effort do that next time. If you both feel listened to and happy with the outcome of the discussion, you’ve officially had a productive fight. Time for makeup sex! If they say “no, that’s not what I mean”, ask them to say it again, and try rephrasing it again. Find a way to argue productively.